I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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