you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize