Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
