Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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