For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
