You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
