For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Boobs are out for the taking
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize