I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
