I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
