he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize