I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
