I am spending my child support on dildos
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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