I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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