i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
