I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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