When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
