Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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