if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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