i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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