Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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