I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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