i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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