There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
