She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
