Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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