I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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