So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
