he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
