i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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