think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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