her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You pole danced in your parka.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
