can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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