guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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