Sponge bath it is.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize