That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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