True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We are all done wearing pants today
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
