I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Randomize
