Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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