Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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