I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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