dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
