well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
