Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
