I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Randomize
