you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
