In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Randomize
