His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
