i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
