Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
