just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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