At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
