Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
