On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize