Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
