And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
