I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
