How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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