I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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