i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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