Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
