Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
