I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
