On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
