i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
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